| Johannes_Oswaldt | Date: Tuesday, 12 Jul 2011, 12:48 PM | Message # 1 |
 Major general
Group: Users
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Name: Johannes Bates Oswaldt
Born: 52 BBY (42 years old)
Species: Human
Cybernetics: Yes, right leg
Homeworld: Eriadu
Marital Status: Divorced (2 times)
Affiliation: Galactic Empire
Titles: Governor, Senator
Vehicle: Dreadnaught-class cruiser Militant w/ TIE escorts (12)
Weapon: Bravado, Bombast, his fists (and a cane w/ rapier concealed within, used infrequently)
Info: Former Captain in the Old Republic and Imperial fleets, hero of the Clone Wars, and popular (among humans) Governor and self-appointed Senator of Eriadu. Oswaldt has the courage of his convictions; namely his anti-Jedi, anti-Separatist, anti-alien (specifically anti-Muun, anti-Toydarian, and especially anti-Bothan), anti-droid, anti-abortion, and anti-intellectual convictions—all of these variously popular among his people. He was awarded a Medal of Gallantry when, during the Clone Wars, the Star Destroyer Steadfast was damaged in a Separatist ambush over Eriadu and Oswaldt, then a Lieutenant, remained on the bridge as the ship plummeted to the planet below. While many abandoned ship, Oswaldt personally helped to steer the Steadfast away from a human neighborhood onto an alien neighborhood instead.
His leg was crushed in the incident, and he sat out the remainder of the war as a brevet Captain and eventually was medically discharged. He had served in numerous battles prior to this, however; namely the Battle of Kadavo, Battle of Sullust, the blockade of Foerost and Battle of Anaxes, and the reinforcement of Boz Pity, among others. Oswaldt was reprimanded for insubordination numerous times throughout the Clone Wars for his criticism of the Jedi and his repeated sexual harassment of Jedi Master Fy-Tor-Ana (all of these expunged from his record after Order 66).
A few months after the end of the Clone Wars, Oswaldt was given an honorary promotion to Captain of the Star Destroyer Impervious, to help train the new Imperial fleet in the Coruscant System. There he remained until he accepted the position of Lieutenant Governor of Eriadu. Within a year, Oswaldt, a former police officer in Phelar prior to the Clone Wars, became Governor of the planet and appointed himself Senator, too. Since then, he has presided over a period of post-war prosperity and has declared it Eriadu's "manifest destiny" to be "the Coruscant of the Outer Rim." Meanwhile, in the Senate, he remains a firm supporter of the Empire and its New Order policies.
A promiscuous man, Oswaldt makes no secret of his weakness for blondes and believes himself to be the father of 4 to 6 children, with whom he is unacquainted.
On Himself
"I will answer to Governor Oswaldt, not Mr. Oswaldt."
"Though I am also now a Senator, I prefer to be referred to as Governor Oswaldt."
"I prefer Governor Oswaldt."
"And gentlemen, I prefer Governor Oswaldt."
"Senator North, my good man, I prefer Governor Oswaldt."
"Senator Fowlkes, Crion, first: I prefer Governor Oswaldt, second: I don't know what you're talking about."
"And Senator, I will be referred to as Governor Oswaldt."
"Also young lady, I will be referred to as Governor Oswaldt."
"That's Governor Oswaldt to you, Separatist. If I can't have you shot for treason I can at least have you cited for unparliamentary language."
On Capital Punishment
"I agree with you that the producers of spice should also be executed. In fact, if it were possible to execute them more than once, I would."
"People won't go buying drugs from some fat, filthy Hutt if they know it'll get them shot by a firing squad, now will they?"
"The Empire has made a reasonable demand, and I support it. Anyone who doesn't is a damn hypocrite who deserves to be shot. "
"Eriadu votes in favor. Anyone who doesn't, in my view, deserves to die. That sounds harsh, yes, but I don't apologize for it. Anyone who doesn't vote in favor of this measure deserves to die."
On Women and Children
"Ladies, you're beautiful, but with all due respect there's a difference between saying someone deserves to die and actually threatening to kill that person. Rest assured, I could never bring myself to threaten either of you lovely ladies, even you Senator Cerra even though I notice you voted against this measure and, also, you aren't my type. I do like feisty women, mind you, but I prefer them a bit more.. aureate. And speaking of Senator Thanatos..."
"That's what this is about, Senator.. respect for authority. It isn't about me.. Unless, for you, it is about me? I have known many a woman who are driven to mad passion by my commanding visage, moustache and all, and my manful frame. But I did not assume you to be one of them until now. Truly, Senator, this isnt the time or place for passion of this sort. Later, perhaps."
"I do not deny that many admiring women have proven unable or, perhaps, unwilling to resist the appeal, no, the allure of this uniform and also this moustache, the uniform and the moustache of a man of power and a man of stamina, in government as well as in many, well, other things. And I do not deny, either, my weakness for them. Women who don't know what they want, but I do. I can see in their eyes what they desire, Senator, and what they desire is me. They are soft and supple women, usually. Blonde haired..."
"You see, many women come to see me on Eriadu. I am the Governor, after all. They might say that they want me to hire more teachers at some school in Phelar, or hire more police, or have this paved or that cleaned, and so on. But I know what they really want, Senator, and I am happy to oblige. And if it is as pleasing for me as it surely is for her, well, then I will see to hiring teachers or police, or paving this or cleaning that. Whatever."
"... 'sexist'? How am I 'sexist'? I love women. If Im guilty of anything its loving women too much."
"I too love and have loved many women and I also love alcohol. But it has been my experience that it is best to keep my loves separate from one another or else all sorts of bad things will happen especially when it comes to women. Am I right gentlemen?"
"I'm not a scientist so I don't know about the science of this.. but what I know is its much worse to see a woman drunk than a man. I don't know why this is but it just is."
"An embryo is genetically distinct from its mother at conception. It is not only a possible person but a probable person, as probable as the sun rise."
"I believe that I have fathered many children, yes. So I think I know a thing or two about being a father."
"Children and women need a strong, paternal hand on the tiller."
"I probably have children, and I don't want to see some politician, that's you Ja'nar Cerra, telling them what they can and can't learn."
On Specific Persons
"I'm not talking to you until you get a haircut, Riada. This is the Senate, for Force sake. Show some respect to this chamber and to yourself, man. Get to a barber and tell him you're tired of looking like a joke. A Twi'lek prostitute wouldnt let you in her pants even if you had ten thousand credits in hand, looking the way you do. No soup kitchen on Eriadu would serve you. A Gorax would refuse to eat you, although it might mistake you for a mate. Hell, there could be one residing in your beard and you wouldn't know it. Honestly, man. You're a Senator, not some clerk at a head shop. Get yourself cleaned up."
"... with all due respect to Vanden, he's an idiot."
"I did not miss your point, Senator Vanden. I ignored it."
"Senator Fowlkes, you have the right to say whatever foolish things you want. You don't have the right to be taken seriously."
"I find it inappropriate for a limp wristed Moff with an obvious conflict of interest to come here and fight his nephew's battles for him. Honestly.. from the letter he sent me I seriously doubt Verilia has the fortitude or temperament to be a Moff."
"If you seriously believe this, your wrist is so limp its amazing you can even hold a pen and write this bantha crap."
"Senator Crion, as I recall, you said before that the facts of this matter are 'up for debate and interpretation.' Would you say, perhaps, that your sexual orientation is 'up for debate and interpretation'? If not, why is it not but this resolution is?"
"I'm tired of these conspiracy theorists who say Caamas was an 'inside job.' A bunch of loser pacifists with a persecution complex looking for enemies and having some orgasm of the imagination all over the memory of the people who died."
On Aliens and Cuisine
"You can teach a kath hound to stand on its hind legs but you cant teach it to be human. And thats what we're talking about here, teaching other species to be human. A fools errand."
"I do not eat food that has been prepared by aliens which, sadly, includes most of the dining on Imperial Center. Also, several restaurants here have made it known to me that I am not welcome to dine at them."
"I'm tired of restaurants on Imperial Center refusing service to me. I am an Imperial Senator, and these establishments should be made to respect that. So maybe I've said some things in the past that they don't like, about how pollution is progress, or fathering more children than perhaps I have time for, or if Toydarians are sentient, or if their food is any good (the answer to both is No)."
"Today its a Toydarian restaurant refusing service to an Imperial Senator, tomorrow Toydaria is seceding from the Empire! More clone wars, anyone?"
"I don't know why you're putting the blame on me. I went into a restaurant for food and I was denied food. I'm the victim here, not some flopnose Toydarian."
"Eriadu defends the rights of its people.. its, well.. its human people. And that includes my rights. If I have to use Eriadu troops to defend my rights, I will. I will defend my rights from some Toydarian restaurant."
On Protecting Animals and the Environment
"I believe Myrkr should be orbitally bombarded and all the ysalamiri on the planet killed."
"The act has a lot to say about protecting these species but it doesnt say why. I dont see why, myself. I can live without the 'grace and cunning' of a this and the 'majesty' of a that. Give me a break. I'd probably appreciate a lot of these species more in my belly then in some sanctuary."
"We have an expression on Eriadu.. 'tough as a septoid.' Its because we can't kill the damn things. We tried, can't do it. Our cities and pollution can't do it either. A lot of species have gone extinct on Eriadu, and I mean a lot.. flow mollusks for example. But not the septoids. Say what you will about them, they are tough. I respect that. All those others that went extinct? That's too bad for them but like I said, it happens."
"... we're animals too, arent we? Monnoks use sticks, we use turbolasers. Gundarks build nests, we build cities. If a species can't survive that, like I said.. too bad."
"One things for sure, Eriadu is destined to be the Coruscant of the OUter Rim and I'm not going to stop developing my world just for some mollusks and rats."
"If I see a fish out of water i'd probably cook it and eat it (unless it was from Eriadu's seas.. they say its best not to eat those)."
On Ryloth
"You refer to pollution on Eriadu, Sir, but I call it progress. My world is destined to be the Coruscant of the Outer Rim. Your world is, in comparison, a hell hole and a piss pot."
"I can think of one reason for you to visit Eriadu—it's not Ryloth."
"I have a joke for you, Senator. What's shittier than the planet Ryloth? Nothing."
"Here's another joke for you, Senator: Ryloth."
"It is a charming planet indeed, Senator. That is, the 10 or so percent of it capable of supporting life. Remind me, what is Ryloth's primary export? Is it drugs or prostitutes? I forget which."
"Only the people of Ryloth could possibly be dumb enough to live on Ryloth."
"Isn't it obvious? Tremaine Fowlkes hates the people of Ryloth. Could it be that he and I agree on something?"
Miscellaneous
"You can stand outside the tent and piss in, you can stand inside the tent and piss out, but dont stand in the tent and piss in it too."
"I want to be clear, Senator Thanatos. I'm not telling people who to love. I'm telling them who not to love."
"... theres a lot of nothing worlds in the Seswenna sector and I don't see why Eriadu should have to protect them especially if they cant afford to return the favor. Thats charity."
Johannes Oswaldt
Senator and Governor of Eriadu
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